English Jokes

Conventionally, English jokes are considered as the best jokes ever, because you really feel the sense of humor with these particular English jokes. We agree that they are funny and corny as well. Therefore, Jokesful in today’s thread will provide you the funniest English jokes on the entire Internet, some of these jokes are selected and the others are handwritten ones, which are really funny.

English Jokes

English jokes

A: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.

Boy: What are the two things?

Girl: Your feet.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?”

(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)

The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’

The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’

The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’

I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”

The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”

The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”

The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

Patient: Doctor! You’ve got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.

Doctor: Next please!

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there’s a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman “What did you do that for?”

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.

A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.

B: I’m not. I’m her mother.

Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?”

Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Headmaster: I’ve had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?

Johnny: Nothing, sir.

Headmaster: Exactly.

A teacher asked a student to write 55.

Student asked: How?

Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!

The student wrote 5 and stopped.

teacher: What are you waiting for?

student: I don’t know which side to write the other 5!

When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:

Phone rings: “Green, green!”

They answer: “Yellow?”

They ask: “White?”

They hang up: “Pink!”

While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:

Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?

Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself.

Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

Man: I want to share everything with you.

Woman: Let’s start from your bank account.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.

Waitress: Oh, that’s okay. The soup isn’t hot.

The real estate agent says, “I have a good, cheap apartment for you.”

The man replys, “By the week or by the month?”

The agent answers, “By the garbage dump..”

Bank Teller: How do you like the money?

English Student: I like it very much.

“Why do you take baths in milk?”

“I can’t find a cow tall enough for a shower.”

Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee

Waitress : Is it enough Sir?

Customer : What? Do you think I can’t buy more?

“You look very funny wearing that belt.”

“I would look even funnier if I didn’t wear it.”

“I was born in California.”

“Which part?”

“All of me.”

English Jokes

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