Football Jokes

Here where you will find the best football jokes about your favorite football players as well as clubs. A lot of football jokes and funny stories about famous football players are waiting for you to laugh at, and remember that; football players are the only people who can dribble and still look neat. Enjoy our bundle of funny football jokes provides by Jokesful.

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Football Jokes

Football Jokes

Chelsea just finished a champions league away game in Barcelona, and they were going to a club to celebrate their win. So in the club a girl approaches Gary Cahill and asks him to sign her head and he does. Another girl goes to Terry and asks him to sign her boobs and he does. Another girl goes to Abrahimobitch and asks him to sign her vagina, he declines and says this “You think I’m stupid? I’m not falling for this again, the last Spanish cunt I signed cost me 50 million pounds”.

An Aston Villa fan walks into a pub with his dog just as the football scores come on the TV. The announcer says that Aston Villa have lost 3-0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. “That’s amazing,” says the barman, “what does he do when they win?”
The Aston Villa Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies, “I dunno… I’ve only had the dog for eight months.”

It’s the FA Cup final, Liverpool vs Everton (that’s not the punchline). Tickets sold out in five minutes, the whole city is heading to Wembley. A man notices at half time that the fella in front has had an empty seat next to him the whole match, this is baffling considering how important this game is.
So he asks him: “Ey mate, how come there’s nobody sitting next to you?”
He replies “That was my wife’s seat, we’ve been going the game together for 15 years now, but she sadly passed away recently”
“Oh I’m sorry for bringing it up, terrible news, but do you not have any friends or family you could have gave the spare ticket to?”
“Well yeah, but they’re all at her funeral”

How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they just sit around talking about how good the old one was.

What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

What do Chelsea and US Navy have in common?
They both spent 50mil on a sub

During the World Cup in Brazil, the England team visited an orphanage. “It was heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope.” said João, age 6.

Alan Pardew walks into a bank in Newcastle. He walks up to the teller and says: “I’d like to withdraw £5,000 please”.
The teller replies “Certainly sir! All I need is to see some identification.” Pardew, taken aback, replies “This is really embarrassing. But I don’t have any I.D. on me. But I’m Alan Pardew. You can ask anybody around here. They will tell you who I am.” The teller replies sternly “I know who you are sir. But I still need some sort of proof of identification. I’m sorry.”
Bemused, Pardew asks “is there really nothing you can do?” The teller says “Well. There is one thing. A number of years ago we had this same situation with Obafemi Martins. Obafemi came in without any form of I.D. to prove who he was. So he said he would prove it by doing something an impostor couldn’t possibly do. He set a football down in the street outside. He then proceeded to kick it as hard as he possibly could. He kicked the ball so far, we knew it had to be him.” Alan replies: “Interesting. Were there any other cases?”
The teller smiles and replies:”Yes actually. Not two months ago we had Hatem Ben Arfa in. Same problem again. So Hatem proceeds to put the ball on the floor, and starts juggling it with his feet. He goes on to do a number of tricks, and we knew it absolutely had to be him.
“So Sir, is there anything you could do to prove to us who you are?” the teller asks.
Pardew stops to think for a minute. He shakes his head and replies “I can’t think of anything at all. I’m not sure if there’s a solution here. Honestly, I’m drawing a blank…”
The teller asks “Will that be large or small notes sir?”

It is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
“What’s up?” he asks. “Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Scotland. They’re shite and we can’t be bothered”.
Ronaldo looks at them and says “Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub.”
So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Brazil 1 – Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)”. He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on”. They put the teletext on.
“Result from the Stadium “Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) – Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)”.
They can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”
“Don’t be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!”
“No, No, I have, I’ve let you down… I got sent off after 12 minutes”

I was at the Man City match the other day and the lad sat next to me called me a cunt.
I would have hit him but I couldn’t be bothered to walk half way round the stadium.

Messi is out at a bar, and flirting with a good looking woman. She invites him over to her house, and she goes into the bathroom, telling Messi to get comfortable.
She comes back and finds Messi laying in bed with 2 naked men. She exclaims, “What the hell is going on?!” to which Messi sheepishly replies:
“I’m sorry! I can’t perform without Xavi or Iniesta!”

Three old football fans are in a church praying for their teams.
The first one asks, “Oh Lord when will Manchester City stop buying the refs?”
God Replies, “In the next five years.”
“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.
The second one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Manchester United stop buying the refs?”
The Good Lord – answers, “In the next ten years.”
“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.
The third one asks, “Oh Lord when will Barcelona stop buying the refs?”.
God answers, “I’ll be dead by then!”

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