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Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste
When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
Yo momma’s so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”
Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.
Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn’t find the “CALL” button.
Your momma is so ugly she made One Direction go another direction.
Do not be racist; be like Mario. He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
My girlfriend told me to stop making linkin park references. But in the end, it didn’t even matter.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
Diarrhea is hereditary … It runs in your jeans.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: ‘that’s a little condescending’.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
What’s long, brown, and sticky? A stick.
What is brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre…
What’s brown and runny? Usain Bolt
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
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