Irish jokes or sometimes paddy jokes, they are really hilarious set of jokes that aim to make fun of Irish people or sometimes as the whole Ireland. These jokes conventionally poke fun at Paddy and occasionally Murphy, but no insult or offend, they are just funny jokes. At any rate, enjoy our funniest Irish jokes bundle on the Internet.
Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them.
Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.
Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. “We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it” So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says: “see it works, we didn’t pay did we?” As Paddy’s plan seems to be working they carry on doing it… In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn’t looking to good. They have just finished their pints… Sean: “I can’t do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck…!” Paddy: “No worries…I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!”
Paddy wins a load of money on the pools. He asks his mate Murphy if he fancies going on the piss in London with him.
Well they arrive in London at this huge hotel. They’re put up on the 10th floor. Off they trot on the piss and get back to the hotel about 2 o’clock in the morning. Paddy decides he wants to go for a swim.
Murphy is a bit miffed and asks “where the bloody hell can you go swimming at this time”
Paddy says ” We can go in the Thames in our skiddies (underpants)”
Paddy then looks out onto his balcony and sees it’s been raining; looking down at the shimmering road he shouts to Murphy “Oi — the Thames is down here — look!!!”
At that Murphy rips his clothes off revealing his Y-fronts sprints onto the balcony and dives off. SPLAT!! Straight into the road below.
After about five minutes he manages to pick himself up and shouts up to Paddy who’s about to dive off the balcony. “Move over to the left a bit, this is the shallow end ‘ere!!!”
An Irishman goes to a carpenter. “Can you build me a box that’s two inches deep, two inches wide and 50 feet long?”
“Well,” says the carpenter, “it could be done, I suppose, but what would you want with a box like that?”
“Well'” said the Irishman, “my neighbour moved away and forgot to take a few things with him — and he asked me to send him his garden hose.”
Paddy was taking a walk in the country. In a field he noticed something that intrigued him. Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?
He asked the local farmer.
“Well sir, cattle can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don’t have any horns at all,” the farmer replied.
The farmer continued, “But this cow doesn’t have any horns because it is a horse!”
In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Ireland and said:
“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.
“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the An Bord Pleannala for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the DSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I’m supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. “……….the Irish Government beat me to it!”
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over”.
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”
“What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes….'”
A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, “How’s it going? Where you from?”
The other guy says “Ireland.”
The first drunk says “That’s cool! I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have a round for Ireland!” They both drink merrily.
Then the first guy says “So where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin? Awesome! I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another round for Dublin!” Once again, they both drink merrily.
Then the first guy asks, “So where did you go to school?”
“St. Mary’s, class of ’62” answers the other guy.
“Incredible! I graduated in ’62 from St. Mary’s, too! Let’s have a round for St. Mary’s!” Once again, they suck down another round.
Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, “So what’s going on today?”
The bartender answers, “Nothing… The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
One Liner Irish Jokes
An Irishman is not drunk until he can’t move
Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men
A: It changes your blood group
Employee of the month is a good example of how someone can be both a winner and a loser at the same time
Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
A: There’s one less drunk.
Q: How does every Irish joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: Whats the difference between a smart Irish man and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they’re both fictional characters
Q: What do you call a big Irish spider?
A: A Paddy long legs.
Q: What’s the difference between Ireland and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Q: How do you blind an Irish woman?
A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.
Q: What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a fight?
A: Liam Malone
Q: What do you call an Irishman covered in boils?
A: A leper-chaun.
Word to the wise: never get in line at the bank behind someone wearing a balaclava.
A friend is someone you can call to help you move. A best friend is someone you can call to help you move a body.
Irish College One Liner Jokes
Q. Why don’t they have Christmas at Trinity?
A. They can’t find a virgin and three wise men.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Trinity?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Carlow campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. What’s the first thing a Trinity girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q. How can you tell if a Trinity student is heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!
Q. What does a IT student call a D.C.U student after graduation?
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Carlow?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. Did you hear that the library at Trinity burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset….some of the books weren’t colored-in yet.
Q. Why do Trinity graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q. How do you get a IT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. What do tornadoes and graduates from IT’s have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.
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