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I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
What do you get when you crossbreed fish with elephants?
How to spot a blind man on a nudist beach?
Well it’s not hard, really…
I hate my printer. Whenever I need to print, all I get is upbeat music coming out of it and a message that the paper is jamming.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team?
She always ran away from the ball.
What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help?
Where should a dog go when it’s lost its tail?
The retail store of course.
What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper?
The rabbi really messed up that circumcision. It was a total rip-off.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
What is a typical diet of a sea monster?
Fish and ships.
What did the ranch sauce say when you opened the fridge?
Hey, close the door! Can’t you see I’m dressing?
What do you get if you crossbreed a cute Easter rabbit with an insect?
Why are there so few schools in the jungles of eastern Africa?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop, no problem!
I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
I forgot to turn off the oven yesterday, but it’s OK – I just got some Darth Vader cookies. A bit on the dark side.
How to embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a used tampon and ask him to determine which period it came from.
The most exciting beverage for a soccer player? The penaltea!
I’ve heard about a scarecrow that won a prize. It was totally outstanding in its field.
What was the football coach yelling at the vending machine?
“Gimme my quarter back!!!”
Have you heard about the fire in the shoe factory?
Hundreds of soles were lost!
So, you’re not afraid of ghost puns? That’s the spirit!
What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips.
Care to seduce a large woman? Piece of cake.
I once worked in a bank, but then I lost interest.
What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg?
When you get depressed in the middle of winter, just chuck some butter from your window.
You’ll see a butterfly.
A guy was taking his girlfriend to prom. Getting ready, he went to a tux rental shop. There was a huge line but he eventually got his tuxedo.
He then went to the florist. Again, there was a huge line, but he got the orchid in the end.
Then he went to the limo rental place, and there was a big line there too! But he eventually managed to rent one.
They got to the prom and danced for a little bit, and then his girlfriend asked for some punch. He went to get it – but there was no punch line.
What is it?
“It” is a pronoun.
I used to suffer from soap addiction, but I’m clean now.
Can February March? No, but April May.
The local gene pool looks like it could use quite a bit of chlorine.
Q: Who is the son of the sea?
A: The “season”.
What lies on the ocean bed, twitching uncontrollably? A nervous wreck.
I wonder how letters ever get to the recipient. The envelopes, afterall, are stationery.
“I’ve seen this show about beavers last night – best dam documentary I’ve ever seen!”
Why is a river really rich?
It’s got two banks.
Do you know how they make holy water? They boil the hell out of it!
Why are Apple staff absolutely forbidden to fart in Apple stores?
Because there are no windows.
Why did the calf cross the road?
It wanted to get to the udder side.
Velcros are just a big rip-off.
Two wi-fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic.
My socks got so holy I can only wear them to church.
Why did the party of ghosts ride on the elevator?
They wanted to lift their spirits.
I injured my finger preparing cheese for our pasta. I seem to have grater problems.
I went on a strict alcohol diet. So far I’ve already lost four days and a sense of shame.
I don’t want to cut my hair! I’m really attached to it!
Why did the octopus blush?
He’d just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!
Why is the math book so sad?
It’s got too many problems!
Have you heard about this dude who had to have his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? — He’s all right now.“
Salt meets pepper on a plate and says, “I’m feeling all scattered today.”
Why was the tomato all red?
It saw the salad dressing.
“Doctor, I heard one can get AIDS in the public toilets! Is that true?!”
“Yes, it is possible, but quite uncomfortable.”
What would you call a fish with a missing eye?
A fsh, probably.
I wanted to tell you a joke about leeches. But I won’t – they all suck.
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, “Doctor, I believe I’m a deck of cards!”
The doctor calmly replies, “Go sit in the waiting room, please, I’ll be dealing with you later.”
Teacher asks the student: “Why are you so late?!”
Student: “Well I was crossing the road and suddenly it says “School ahead, go slowly!”
What kind of a driver doesn’t know how to drive?
I went to the house of horrors for lunch.
We had I scream for dessert.
Why do you barely ever see the sun inside a classroom?
It’s got enough degrees already.
How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.
It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.
“Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous.”
“I know, one of them’s just been serving me.”
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