Rude Jokes

Rude jokes that are given by us, are not the extreme offensive or racist jokes. These rude jokes are not appropriate.Yet, still funny and cheesy. I mean, you can use them in ordinary circumstances, they do not offend or something. They only make people laugh. Enjoy our funniest bundle of rude jokes.

Rude Jokes

Rude Jokes
A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.
While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.
The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. “Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!”
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!”
He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.”
“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. “Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

A chap comes home with some multi-flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited.
Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose.
While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.
Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband “Mmmmm, cheese and onion?” To which he replies, “No, hang on a minute. I haven’t put one on yet.”

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, ‘How am I doing?’
The prostitute replies, ‘Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’ ‘Three knots?’ he replies, ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back’

Your families are extremely proud of you.
You can’t imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing.
This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.

It’s Halloween and when the man answers his door, there’s a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says “Trick or treat”.
The man’s a bit confused so he asks the boy what he’s dressed up as.
“I’m an IRS agent”, says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.

Two friends, Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the afternoon.
For a long time, they could not decide upon any game.
Suddenly, Jenny had an idea.
She turned to Jinny and said excitedly. “Let’s play schools”.
“OK!” said Jinny. “But I’m going to be absent.”

A man has came over to his wife in a request.
She tells him to tie her to a bed and do whatever he wants.
3 hours later he is fucking hookers and watching football and porn with friend.

How come there aren’t that many jokes about Jim Jones?
The punchlines are too long.

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.
After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.
“Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said. “Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival:
First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything.
Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day.”

The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
“What did the doctor say?” he asked.
“I’m sorry, m’dear,” she said, “but he said you’re not going to make it.”

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, at a very smart jeweller’s shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, “Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?”
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, “No, instead engrave ‘To my one and only love’.”
The jeweller smiled and said, “Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.”
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, “Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.”

It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see, Money isn’t everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering…
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A more true Friend you will never find.

An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut.
After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay.
“No charge, son” replies the barber, “Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough.”

The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer.
Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides.
When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: “No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough.”

The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note.
Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot.
The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: “No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough.”

The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep… three more Air Force colonels.

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.
“Yes,” came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, “I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.”
“That was very kind of you,” Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.”
Tony smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartments.
I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301.
I buzz you in.
Come inside and elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.
When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
“What… You’re coming empty handed?”

Q&A Rude Jokes

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

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