Sarcastic Jokes

Jokesful provides you the best and biggest bundle of sarcastic jokes on the Internet. These sarcastic jokes are included in one liner jokes as well as long jokes. Enjoy the funniest sarcastic jokes that may hurt a little, but they heal at the same time.

Sarcastic Jokes

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I fuck*d a sarcastic girl.
She loved it.

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Is the pope catholic?

Is grass green?

Is the sky blue?

Is the tin-mans cock made of sheet metal?

Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?

Is a pigs p*ssy pork?

Is a dolphins a*s water tight?

I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

If you’re here, who’s running hell?

I swear I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth again.

Would you like to dance? No? You must’ve misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.

Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face looks kind of funky.

If I promise to miss you, will you go, like, really far away?

Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?

Take my advice — it’s not like I’m dumb enough to.

Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.

Did something bad happen to you, or are you just naturally this terrible of a person?

If at first you don’t succeed, stop trying already. You’re probably dumb.

My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me. When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.

You might love your life, but I think it just wants to be friends.

I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.”

Why0 is it that everything you love is either unhealthy, addictive, or has multiple restraining orders against you?

When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on.

Those of you who think you know it all are really annoying to those of us who do.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Hear that? It’s the sound of you not talking for once.

I’m pretty sure I married someone else’s soulmate. If only they’d come around and take him off my hands.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.

Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?

Your opinion is very important to me. Please stay on the line until you hear the beep for voicemail.

Hi there, I’m human. What are you?

Always remember: You’re just as unique as everybody else.

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground.

I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it since you’re not that bright.

If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose.

Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face—once you shove them down the stairs, that is.

If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing, it’s because I already have.

The sooner I shoot you, the sooner I’ll get out of jail for it. Don’t assume that’s not a major incentive.

This obviously isn’t working out. I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways and start making other people miserable.

If you need so much space, there’s always NASA.

They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts already.

Your mind might want to dance, but your body is a really awkward white guy.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Sorry, my dog ate your text again.

Would you rather have a million bucks, or [insert name]’s head full of nickels?

Oh, I didn’t tell you? Must be none of your business then.

So many freaks, so few circuses.

If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard.

I have as much authority as the Pope. There just aren’t as many people who believe it.

Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.

I’d be fine if there weren’t so much blood in my alcohol system.

Masturbation is like procrastination—it’s all good fun until you realize you’re just fucking yourself.

Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.

A Nagging Wife:
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet and said “They’re not hanging Wright tonight!”
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?’

For people that just won’t leave:
If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

On jobs and paychecks:
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

On good days and bad:
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. – Dilbert

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

On being serious:
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

On religion and Science:
“Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.” – Chapman Cohen

Going to temple/church/mosque doesn’t make you a human, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car..

Against the constant bickering of the vegetarians:
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

How to turn down a guy:
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

Why people usually seem smart:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

For people that always meddle in others’ affairs:
Oh, I didn’t tell you? Then It must be none of your business.

Oh Sorry! Did you mistake me for someone who cares?

On quitting before getting fired:
Suicide: Mans way of telling God – “You can’t fire me, I quit”.

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